Green fingered and Off My Rocker!

Today is the day!  Yep, today is the day where I stop listening to so-called professional advice and I finally start making my own decisions and start making a difference to my own life.

Sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but when you have been under the care of the local Mental Health Care Services for the last 8 years and you are in no better shape than when you started seeing so-called “Professionals” you have to ask yourself, whether they actually know what is best for you.

So, before I carry on, I supposed it would be polite to introduce myself and give a bit of background as to who I am and who I want to be.

My name is Caroline and I am a 33 year old married Mother of one Son.  I supposed you could say my current employment status could be classed as a “Housewife” or “Stay at Home Mum”, but this would not be a true reflection of me.  I am in fact, an avid, if not obsessive, horticulturist. Happy to get up at 4:30am in the Spring and Summer just to spend time in the garden.

The simple, harsh truth of the matter is that for the last 8.5 years, I have, apparently, suffered from Mental Health issues which has resulted in me being off work for the past 2 years (ish).  I hate it.  Truly, hate it.  I hate the fact that I am not a contributing member of society, I hate the fact that I rely on the Government to help me pay the bills and I hate what not being at work has done to my self-esteem and confidence.

You may have detected a slightly ‘sour’ tone to my opinion of the treatment I have received during this time, but due to the fact I have been diagnosed with Post-Natal Depression, then Clinical Depression, then Bi-Polar Disorder, and then Low Self Esteem and am now waiting for a referral to see a Psychologist as ‘they’ believe my “issues” are psychological rather than psychiatric, all I can say is GIVE ME STRENGTH!!

So, why have I decided to start writing a blog – simply put, I genuinely don’t think that the treatment I have received to date has done me any good, in fact, I would rather describe it as detrimental to my health, and although I am not stupid enough to throw away the chance to have regular contact with a Mental Healthcare professional, I am kind of at the stage where I feel I could do more to help myself then they ever have or in deed, could.

Please don’t think that this blog is going to be a case of “woe is me” or “I have been wronged” (although, to a certain point, I feel I have),  this blog is here to help me.  I want a record of the fact I am ready to turn my life around and sometimes, just sometimes, your own beliefs in yourself are worth more than those of a University educated, long standing, professional.

So, why today and why this blog?  Well, today I had an appointment at my local Mental Health Services provision (oh joy!), but it was with an entirely new part of the team.  It was with a lady who was from the Reablement Service, a department I had not been involved with before and to whom my relatively new Psychiatrist had referred me.  I wasn’t sure what I expect, but from the literature I had been sent beforehand, I was under the impression that it was about building confidence and building a pathway back into the world of work – GREAT! Just what I was after.

So, we are sat in this room and the first question she asks me is “What do you want to do?” My response was “Run my own nursery and garden equipment business”.  Within half a heartbeat her response was “Oh no, you’re not ready for that.  Self employment wouldn’t be good for you!”  Er, excuse me?  I met you 2 minutes ago and you have already formed this opinion of me on what?  A complete mash up of mis-diagnosis and the opinion of people who don’t actually know me?

Now, being an only child, I can tell you from the heart that I went into “spoilt brat” mode and can honestly day I didn’t really listen to a single thing she said after that.  All I kept thinking was, “How dare You”, “You don’t know me”.  I think it’s only fair at this point that I point out that if someone tells me I can’t do something, it puts a fire in my belly and I just have to prove them wrong.

So, in short, I intend to use this blog to record my own, personal journey from someone who hates where she is in life, to someone who had fulfilled her dreams and can literally stick two fingers up to the establishment and say “A little bit of positive thinking and belief is worth more than a lifetime of Lithium!”

Please, feel free to join me on my journey.  It won’t always be pretty and I ain’t gonna sugar no pills.  This is me.  My life, my journey.  I am sick of conforming to other people’s ideals and this is going to be the story of me, doing things my way, rightly or wrongly.

Right….. where did I put that plant catalogue……………..






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